A dedication to those people…
To those people who acknowledge your soul but indulge your tendencies. Without judgement. With a chuckle.
To those people who identify with and validate you, regardless of how fucking crazy you yourself know you sound.
To those people who believe in you, especially when you yourself don’t.
To those people, who selflessly know its time to let you go to fly on your own, when it’s so much easier for them (and you) to hold you close.
To those people who unquestionably are there. Through the tears and the pain, through the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. Through the summer AND the winter. Through the best and the worst.
These are the people who have been here with me throughout the past five years and those I will truly treasure with all of my heart forever. There simply isn’t enough gratitude in the world for me to convey. There is only “thank you.” There is only “I love you.” There is only “see you soon.”
Bisou bisou,
This Passionista
Ah new York. You beautiful, mercurial city. What would I do without you. You never cease to be a prominent character in my life, and you never disappoint with your charisma. Whether soul-swelling love or dire hatred, you are one of the few things in my life that I will love unconditionally forever. You have the charm that rivals a first love and the temper that rivals even the most furious mother. You never cease to amaze me with your energy, your passion, your downright arrogant (yet completely accurate) confidence that you truly are the best in the world.
I need a break, though, because I haven’t appreciated you as you deserve. You’ve been tough on me and I’m ready for the days when I’m pining to come back to you. To be swallowed by your pulsing energy and dubious humans. Coming back as a visitor will allow my heart to swell with that irreplaceable I love new York feeling that you truly deserve.
You will always be a part of me. You will always be the place I met the love of my life, had the most amazing first two years, the most difficult last two years, and held some of the most precious people in my life. You are a kindred spirit.. One who loves her ups and downs and who passionately ebbs in accordance with her surroundings. You are resilient. You are crass. You are unforgiving. But you are also one of the warmest and most loyal.
I came here because I knew the woman I demanded myself to be and you helped me become her. You no doubt have influenced and shaped me for the rest of my life, and for that I am forever indebted.
I’ll be back to you again. And not just as a visitor. You are far too enticing for me to stay away long.
Thank you for teaching me so much about my own ability to persevere. Thank you for embedding in me a true work ethic. Thank you for housing some of the most interesting humans in the world.
I love you new York. Thank you for loving me back.
“I’m so glad I live in New York City and not in the United States.”
50 reasons to love new york:
50. Sending your laundry out for someone else to wash and dry it is not only convenient, it’s just good business. Especially since you will probably never own a washer and dryer. Which means you never have to feel guilty about not doing your own laundry. Next.
49. Drinking coffee four times a day, every day, isn’t the exception, it’s the rule.
48. The secret Chick Fil-A at the NYU dining hall.
47. There is always someone crazier than you. ALWAYS.
46. The view from the Brooklyn Bridge.
45. The view of the Brooklyn Bridge.
44. The epic feeling you get running to catch a train and succeeding…just before the doors close.
43. Bored to Death. 30 Rock. SNL. And a million other things that film here and we love. RIP Law and Order.
42. Manhattan-Brooklyn/Brooklyn-Manhattan wars never cease to entertain. Nor do hipster-Hasid wars. Or hipsters in general.
41. We get the inside jokes. Because, actually, we made them up in the first place.
40. That horrified look on our parents’ friends’ faces when we tell them we live in “Hell’s Kitchen.”
39. Sure, we work out next to Alec Baldwin, Padma Lakshmi, and Bridget Moynahan, and walk the streets with Willem Dafoe, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Tina Fey, but, really, we’re kinda too busy with our own lives to notice.
38. Drinking is like breathing. Or slightly more acceptable.
37. Because it’s not enough to just love New York. New York needs to love you back, too. Hey, we have high standards.
36. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, there is someone who will bring it to you for a price, which may or may not be negotiable. (Or legal.)
35. By the time the rest of the nation has bedbugs, we’ll have figured out how to get rid of them. In the meantime, we’ll mock them by dressing our dogs up as bedbugs for Halloween. Laugh in the face of fear, New Yorker!
34. There are almost 200 bars in the East Village alone.
33. There’s no shortage of stupid rich people to make fun of.
32. The endless delights of the New York Post.
31. You don’t even need a passport, or a license, to partake in goat-eyeball tacos.
30. The fact that one-bedroom apartments cost an average minimum of a half-million dollars means we think nothing of spending $12 on lunch.
29. Restaurants are as common as single men and women. And equally diverse. And you never have to see either of them again after the initial awkward encounter.
28. The omnipresent opportunity to Gaga-ify yourself. And the chance that it will seem, just, normal.
27. Runnin’ Scared lives here! (And so does the Village Voice.)
26. Smart people are the norm, not the exception. (Which doesn’t mean they’re sane, but at least no one’s boring.)
25. Except in select ‘hoods like Park Slope and perhaps the Upper West Side, children are viewed as mysterious beings, rarely sighted and only occasionally understood, like pixies or magical small butlers. Until they scream, in which case, they are banished from the palace.
24. When you fly back into the city after a vacation or business trip, no matter how long you’ve lived here, you get that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling.
23. Efficiency in a drugstore checkout line.
22. How easy it is to find doughnuts, pizza, Chinese food, or any other snack your drunken self desires at 4 a.m. Or to continue to drink. Responsibly!
21. Broadway. Museums. CULTCH-AH. Even if you never actually go to see anything (though you should, at least once).
20. Yelling “fuck” is just a mild obscenity.
19. There’s no shame in sticking your fingers in your ears like an anal weirdo when an ambulance goes by screeching.
18. Summer concerts at the Williamsburg Waterfront.
17. So many Missed Connections, so little time.
16. Other places have dog and cat people. We have ferret people.
15. The splendor of the Union Square Greenmarket.
14. A bagel with cream cheese and lox from Russ and Daughters.
13. There is an insane Korean day spa (Spa Castle) waiting for you in Flushing. And Russian and Turkish baths in the East Village.
12. One of our bars has 100-year-old urinals.
11. Complain about the MTA, but you can get anywhere in the city for just $2.25. Or $2.50 single ride, come 2011. Still pretty damn cheap.
10. Subway rage. Bike-lane rage. Walking rage. Random rage. These are our therapy. Although we all go to therapy, too. No judgments! We bitch, therefore we are.
9. Jaywalking is an art form.
8. The free Ikea ferry to Red Hook on weekends! Plus, Red Hook in general. Can you say “Lobster pound”?
7. Subway “prewalking,” in which you walk to the exact right spot on the platform to board the train car that will save you the most time upon exit, exists and has a name. Gotta respect.
6. You can be alone, but never feel lonely. And vice versa. But if you die and aren’t found until a year later, you won’t be the first.
5. We are, as a group, anti-fanny-pack as much as we are pro-gay-marriage. Hetero marriage, on the other hand, we can pretty much take or leave.
4. 35 is the new 26. Or is it 45? Whatever, age ain’t nuthin’ but a number, and as long as you’re younger than your IQ score, no harm, no foul.
3. Finding your “local” is that much better here.
2. There is absolutely no reason to ever drink and drive. Added bonus: Spontaneous, fascinating conversations with cab drivers.
1. If you can make it here, you really can make it anywhere. But why would you bother to go anywhere else?
It’s 3am on the dot and, like clockwork, I am wide awake for the 14th day in a row. I thought this would end once I had turned in my papers and really wrapped up the academic demands in my life. We plan and god laughs.
It’s clear that there is more going on here. There is something inside of me that is dying to get out. This passionista won’t rest until she’s heard… Even if that means getting virtually no sleep until that happens.
Sigh. No surprise there.
So here we go. Returning to the place that got me to where I am. Cycles and circles. All blessings.
I need to start by acknowledging my sadness. I’m sad that this journey is coming to an end. It has been a tumultuous two years in all facets of my life and it’s been a time when I could be unusually selfish and focused on myself.
Grad school truly is a beautiful time in one’s life to be able to hone in on exactly what one needs, wants, and is passionate about.. And where you can surround yourself exclusively with like-minded people. As much as I have complained about the workload (it was all self-induced anyway), it’s been a joy and a privilege to have these two years to grow so much. I feel poised to jump into my next endeavor and I honestly can’t wait for that journey to start. I just need to mourn this one ending a little bit longer.
By the same token, graduating from graduate school is a very somber experience because I am again truly alone in this journey. All of us are. In undergrad we all took the step together, we all had to find jobs but there wasn’t the same pressure (or frankly, financial need) to find a career as there is in this moment. The expectation is that this is truly the first day of the rest of your life and it certainly feels like the rest of my life is adulthood.
Symbolically, this is the end of the playtime in my career and personal life. It feels like I have to buckle down and go confidently in the direction of my dreams. And frankly, that terrifies me.
What if I fail/suck/ disappoint my family/ disappoint myself? What if I hate it! What if it was all a huge mistake to go back to school and I’ve squandered two years and $80,000 on yet another bad decision? Unfortunately only time will tell and, whether I sleep peacefully through the night or not, that day is still coming very very soon. It’s pretty clear why my 3am wake ups are happening. My body doesn’t want that day to come quite yet.
The crazy thing is, though, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is to trust myself. To listen to this unforgiving gut feeling and, is the words of Sheryl Sandberg, lean into my career and passions and only good things will come in return. I know I can be really good at this. I know I’m going to find my pace. I know it’s going to be a struggle, but I also know I love me a challenge.
So, this is the biggest challenge I’ve put on myself yet. And there is certainly a huge risk of failure. But with huge risk comes great reward, and I’m really going to have to earn it.
It’s a crazy couple of weeks ahead but I’m slowly getting there. My stomach is catching up with my heart and I’m feeling that familiar burst of warmth in my chest just thinking about the amazing things that are just around the corner.
From anxiety to sheer joy, this journey has been the most challenging yet. It’s time for me to lean into my life now and open my eyes to all of the amazing things happening around me everyday.
Seeking beauty, peace, and love, I’m off to my next adventure.
Clear eyes, full hearts. Can’t lose.
“You cannot compartmentalize. Your work is your love is your body is your spirit is your life. You are not fractions of a whole” - mitchell wade
If it doesn’t feel uncomfortable at first, you probably didn’t make a big enough change
“This is no time for ease and comfort. It is time to dare and endure.”
This is your life. Do what you love, and do it often.
If you don’t like something, change it. If you don’t like your job, quit. If you don’t have enough time, stop watching tv.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love.
Stop over analyzing, all emotions are beautiful. When you eat, appreciate every last bite.
Life is simple. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them.
Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them.
Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.
Life is Short. Live your dream and share your passion.
— Lovingly adopted from Holstee
I left for Tanzania one year ago…
I left my heart in Bagamoyo <3
Today, like everyday for the past 6 months, I heard “no.”
Don’t. Can’t. Shouldn’t. Isn’t. Not.
Replace it with whatever variation you like, it surrounds me. Every single day.
Today, for the first time in 6 months, I also heard a “yes.”
Only one small step, but it feeds my soul and reignites my fire to keep pressing on. And that makes it all worth it.
So, here’s to my fellow troublemakers. To those who wake up every single morning wanting more, striving to make it better, fighting for what they know should be.
They were born this way. They grew up in “time out.” They hit boys over the head with frying pans in Kindergarten. They instructed the leader of the free world that he needs to share with his wife. And it only got stronger as they got older.
They annoy their supervisors. They quit their jobs in the middle of a recession. They are pushed aside by their Deans. And they make their professors’ eyes roll. They are vilified by those who feel threatened by change. They are punished for thinking differently.
Every day is like preparing for battle and some days really suck. They are surrounded by pessimistic, ugly nay-sayers who either don’t believe in them or simply don’t want them to succeed.
They exist in a world where their head tells them it must be better than this but their surroundings command them to accept status quo.
They are fighters, they are passionate, they are stubborn and they are difficult.
Nay-sayers tell us, “don’t be innovative,” “you have no career path” or “that simply can’t be done.”
They say, you either choose to make money or do good things. They say, its either greed or altruism. They say, its either business or government. They say, you can’t speak both languages. We say, its one language, and that language is the future of our entire existence.
We wake up every day knowing that it’s going to be harder than the previous one. But we also know that the success will be worth it.
They call it “idealistic,” I call it “fighter.” We’re here to change your world and we’re willing to force our way through. And, like it or not, your life will be better because of us troublemakers.
“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy.
How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?
While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
-Apple
“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”
- Einstein
“The motivation for me, is them telling me what I could not be.”
-Hova
Every morning for the past month, I have woken up with anxiety in the pit of my stomach about what I am doing with my life. How I expect more of myself. Why I am doubting my decisions to leave the corporate world and come back to school. Wondering if I can achieve all of the high aspirations that I have.
Then I get anxiety about my anxiety – why am I so anxious about figuring out what to do with my life, why can’t I just enjoy it more, why can’t I just appreciate the day to day? Reminiscent of my time in the corporate world, I am tired, stressed, pressured and not necessarily enjoying this journey at this point in time.
The fact of the matter is, though, that I am trying to control too much. Trying to force myself to find answers before the universe presents them to me. It’s my type-a, control freak nature rearing its ugly head after such a wonderful period of trying to relax and let my life happen as it is supposed to. It’s my eternal hatred for the feeling of discomfort, uncertainty, and instability and my gut instinct is to run as fast as I can back to a place where I didn’t feel that.
Last year at exactly this time, I changed a lot of things about myself and my life because it was too comfortable. I knew that I wanted, and expected, more and set out to get it. It was a huge decision that felt very tough at the time.
In hindsight, that was the easy part. The hard part is putting my money where my mouth is and learning to be comfortable in the discomfort. Finding peace with the fact that a. I chose to be unreasonable and strike out on my own and b. that this is what I want and yearn for. Discomfort is the physical signal that I am pushing myself to find something better. Discomfort is something I need to learn to love, because if it means that I am in the process of becoming a better me, then it is something that I want to be all the time.
I’ve learned a lot about what I don’t want to be: Practical, small-minded, unwilling to take risks, accepting of any circumstances but the best. What I need to learn now is that, in order to not be any of those things, I do HAVE to be OK with feeling uncomfortable. It’s not a fight but a process, and it’s important to go through every step in order to be true to my authentic self.
Hopefully it won’t last forever, but it is a sign of pushing myself forward and that I am on the path to making a name for myself in this world.
Discomfort -> Growth -> Success
